It was a cloudy saturday afternoon. Willow called me. She wanted to see me. She sounded bothered on the phone. I wondered but she just told me to come at the espresso pump. "Be there in an hour." I said. And I was there, drinking my coffee, anxious, hoping you were alright. Funny how every time something seem to go wrong I always fear for you. And they arrived. She was with Xander only. It surprised me not to see them with their other half... and you... MY other half. I very fast realized they did not only sound bothered, they were...

"They told me you don't love me / Over a cup of coffee."

They were so very nice, talking to me like to a five-year-old child, explaining that there were so many fishes in the sea for me but you were not one of them. You'd moved on with your life... without me.

"And I just have to look away / A million miles between us."

I still remember the cracks in my body when I heard these words though they started haunting me ever since our story began. My bones cracked, my heart fissured, my veins bled openly. I just went on with my life, even more miserable as it already was... I just lived in slow motion, still broken, crackeled.

"Planets crash into dust / I just let it fade away."

Lost taste for slaying too, lost track of the time, lost knowledge of the world around me as I wander alone thinking about you, thinking about love.

"I'm walking empty streets / Hoping we might meet."

I remember our first time as I was trying to teach you how to make a parallel park the night before your driving license exam... you were so nervous, I tried to reassure you and it happened. Thought it was love... but... on the backseat... somehow I should've known it wasn't a good sign... for love. I always knew. It was back seats, cemeteries, cheap motel for me when it was morning snuggles, movies, prom date for him.

"I see your car parked on the road / The light on at your window / I know for sure that you're home / And I just have to pass on by."

Always knew but always hoped... and when he left I thought... stupid me, thought you would transfer your love for him on me after a while and that I wouldn't be just the sexual release, the convenient one and now how I crave to be that once more, to touch you and let you touch me again like a -thing- yes but -your thing-... how pitiful.

"So no, of course, we can't be friends / Not while I'm still this obsessed / I guess I always knew the score / This is how our story ends."

I spend my days in my small room in my cheap motel, smoking, caressing the sheets in which we made love, as I thought it was, wanted it to be. I remind me of the way you always parted after the body rush to take your cigarettes and lit one as I whispered I loved you. You would just blink and come back to sit against the headboard of the bed to smoke it while I would take you by the waist... then you would just get up, get dressed, smile shyly and say "Thanks, I'll see you later." and leave. And I would just roll myself in the sheets, in your scent.

"I smoke your brand of cigarettes / And pray that you might give me a call.
"I lie around on bed all day just staring at the walls."

My nights are a succession of meetings: men, beers, women, JDs, vampires, Tequilas, demons... all more insipid than the other. But I just drown myself in them... try to get drunk enough to forget even my name, slay without knowing what it is for anymore. Almost got killed by my own stake, better for me to follow this shadow of a person looking at me with lustful eyes... yeah better to follow and drown into him or her thinking it's into you.

"Hanging around bars at night wishing I had never been born."
I give myself to anyone who wants to take me home. So no, of course, we can't be friends / Not while I still feel like this."

"I'm straight." You used to repeat this to me before we started and even after and I'd say "I know." but smiling because it was at me you were looking at, at that moment, and then still smiling because it's in my arms you were lying and somehow I hoped after him maybe... Because I knew it would have to end with him and that me... I'd still be there. Thought you'd notice too and face your feelings for me, thought it was love, always thought after him it'd be me. "I'm straight." guess you're proving this with your new boytoy, proving it to me or to you, again with the pitiful, you always knew and I did too but still... I hoped.

"I guess I always knew the score / This is where our story ends."

I tug your skin tight with my hands and get myself intoxicated in your scent remaining on your pink top and I can see you and feel you, and my hand just move down on myself until I can't take it anymore and cry as my body hurt, bleeding and begging to feel the right touches, the right fingers on itself... and I drown and I die...

"You left behind some clothes / My pearly summer sores / And I pick them off the floor."

I don't know how many days, weeks, months I've been decaying now, wandering like a ghost but it must have been a while 'cause everyone looks at me strangely and I wonder if they see someone 'cause I don't feel real anymore... maybe I'm fading, I look at my hands, my arms and sometimes they disappear maybe they see that, maybe I'm already dead, maybe but I don't try to find out I don't try anything.

"My friends all say they're worried / I'm looking far too skinny / I stop returning all their calls"

Maybe I should've asked you sooner while he was still here what you felt for me but I so knew and so didn't want to... the way we were together, tearing clothes apart, barely making it to my room every time after the hunt... the first time was different but not enough, and after that I've let us give way into that state of emergency, 'hungry and horny' yes it was my sentence... never been so brilliantly demonstrated than by you... that's all it was, couldn't have him, needed it... I was there and I knew and I witnessed it all. I kept doing it all again and I would probably do it again even now, wanted to ask but I so already knew... thinking of him, screwing me and immediately rushing to his arms right after. I knew it all, but I hoped still, thought there was love...

"And no, of course, we can't be friends / Not while I'm still so obsessed
I want to ask where I went wrong / But don't say anything at all"

I thought there was some love hiding behind this lust, these screams, these sweats, these gazes... thought there was love because there was so much in mine that... but no... no love, never has been...

"It took a cup of coffee / To prove that you don't love me"